New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
