I wanna bring you to show and tell
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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