Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
