The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sorry my hands just texted you
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
