Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You ruined the universe
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
