That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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