1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
