Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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