I wish I could teleport
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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