You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
