They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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