I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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