Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
