if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
