it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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