Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
