TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
