god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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