Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just cut my nipple shaving
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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