He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
