stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
