Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
