You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He is an equal opportunity slut.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
