I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
