I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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