so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
