Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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