i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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