How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
