Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
never play flip cup with pint glasses
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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