I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
A+ Viking dick
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
