My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
How's work?
Spinning.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
