you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You are the jesus of drinking
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
