There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
