I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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