I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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