I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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