Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
