A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
