im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
