it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
