She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
