Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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