Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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