we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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