Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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