Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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