Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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