I'm eating all of the evidence.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
