JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
