then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
