She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
