did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
