Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
