I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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