we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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